Self Control: More Than Just a Good Idea

As my 11 year old daughter and I were out driving around last week we passed a construction site. She asked me: Mom, how come when a sign says "do not open" it just makes you want to open it even more?"

Well, besides the obvious that she is my daughter and I encourage her to not believe everything she hears/reads, I explained to her that in this case, a) she should definitely heed the warning, and b) its called 'self control'.

Self control is not just a good idea. Its an important life skill.

While I believe that children should never be deprived of new experiences, sensations, and opportunities to learn, I am also not an advocate of giving children everything they think they want. This is simply not healthy for them of for the familiy and becomes an extremely destructive habit in later years.

There needs to be a framework and a structure so that a child learns when its ok to break out of that & be spontaneous in a good/creative way.  This is also true for children with special needs. Once a suitable structure & expectations are in place, including reasonable adaptations based on the child's understanding and abilities, they should be adhered to. (Of course the exception here is a child that is cognitively or medically challenged to the point where their brain cannot control impulsive behaviors.)

We all know or work with people who have never mastered this skill. If you were not aware of  these types or "what their problem" was before, maybe you can identify it now. Signs & clues are: making excuses/justification as to why something is not finished (usually with a fantastic story of some sort); gossip/sour grapes about everyone & everything;  sense of entitlement; rules don't apply to them;  feeling of self-importance over others; poor time management skills; overwhelmed at too many projects/activities at once/never finishes a project; trying to be someone they are not.

How does it feel interacting with these people on a daily basis?  Now to put this in perspective of this post, imagine that this person is your own child someday down the road. How does Life look for them?

But listen-I'm not just an educator. I'm a parent too. I've been a parent for 28 years and I'm tired. I too get impatient sometimes and just feel the "whatever-do what you want!" ready to roll off my tongue also. But I have learned a few things after all these years of trial and error:

1) to pick my battles carefully
2) to make a few short & simple rules, and stick to them no matter what
3) to clearly define what happens if a rule is broken (do not be ambiguous such as "your're gonna get it!")
4) that teaching kids when young to recognize & control destructive impulsive behavior is always a good strategy

When a parent gives in to whim and impulse, they are  paving the road for greater more unreasonable demands ahead. We cannot just one day decide to put the brakes on it. It won't work. The child has already been taught that this is a world that is full of people that are here for their own instant gratification when in reality, our world does not work that way at all. We have to learn to get along with, communicate and cooperate with others to get what we want out of life. That starts with self-control.

My daughter and I  have had numerous talks about when we need to exercise self control and when its safe & appropriate to be spontaneous & give in to impulse. (in her case, this would be in reference to bickering with girlfriends & classmates.) We have also worked together on this important aspect of executive function with many students in social skills classes, yoga small groups & summer camps, using creative yoga-based movement games and art activities to help this skill develop & encourage its continued use.

What my daughter has not understood fully yet & what many people don't realize is just how important impulse/self-control is. It has a huge impact on a child's transitions & development into adulthood.  In fact researchers from the United States, Britain & New Zealand have found that, the extent to which a child uses self-control has more of an impact on their adult lives than intelligence or social status.


To learn more about the study, read this article originally published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

About Kids Health: Its all About Self Control

To find yoga-based games & activities to help children cultivate self-control visit our Sensory Games Page

To schedule private yoga based instruction for your child please e-mail  barbara@bodylogique.com


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