I practiced yoga this morning as I watched the sun rise up through my front living room window. I don't always practice in the early morning, but when I do, I notice a different kind of energy in and around me all day. Its as if I have somehow gone from average to invincible and no matter what I do or who I encounter that is difficult in the course of my day, I feel calm, in control & like I will know the right way to handle it. On the days that I don't practice at all, I can tell you that I feel powerless over my own reactions & things have a whole different outcome. I have learned over the years how to find and keep my power level where it needs to be. I am trying to show & teach my daughter this now as she navigates the complicated world of being raised by divorced parents, understanding female friendships, boy-girl relationships and other peer interactions.
When I was finished & as I was making my "To Do " list and checking my e-mail I came across this article about a Father Trying To Get Phila School To Stop the Bullying of his First Grade Son. This family came here to get away from the violence & powerlessness in their country only to find more of it here unleashed on their son. I hurt for them. It breaks my heart to think about how we take away other's and give away our own power on a daily basis.
This strikes a triple chord with me, first having been bullied in school myself, then trying my best to help my own 3 kids through it, and now working with children with special needs as I do. Teasing/bullying comes up a lot and I do my best to work with parents to help kids understand the dynamic and then have tools to combat it. Believe it or not, there are many opportunities for self-empowerment during yoga, and I use these opportunities as well as storytelling to their fullest to present scenarios for children to solve conflicts and use in real life situations.
There are no easy answers or solutions and each case if different, but the one thing in common is that in all cases someone ('victim') is willing to give away their power, (or does not know how to keep it) and another ('bully') is willing to take it (or does not know how to resist taking advantage of perceived weakness.) In all cases, both the bully and the victim suffer from a feeling of dis-empowerment.
Empowerment is defined as: increasing the spiritual, political, social, or economic strength of individuals and communities, leading to the empowered developing confidence in their own capacities and abilities.
I think the question should not be "How do we address/prevent bullying as it happens," but rather "How to we teach kids-all kids-(bullies as well as victims) to find, build, keep and take back their true power"?
Its beyond obvious that the problem is way out of control. Bullying goes on every day in schools and on playgrounds and beyond. Some of you will disagree with me, but I'm starting to understand that its ultimately not up to the schools to stop it in most cases. (In the case of the family in the story at the link above, they clearly need some help navigating the system and the school does need to address it immediately.) While the schools definitely need to address it immediately as it happens within that environment, ultimately, its up to us as parents to help our kids to end it.
I want to clarify that I feel this should not even be an issue. We should all respect others no matter what they look like, talk like, believe or where they come from. Every child has a right to go to school and learn without fear. If children are failing to act appropriately in school, then we need to re-examine whether or not our messages are getting through & how we have taught them at home. Just as we want to scrutinize a teacher for a child not learning math or reading properly, we need to be willing to look at ourselves through the same lens when our children fail to act appropriately when not under our watchful eye. Its a group effort between school and home that begins at home.
Bullying is not done in plain view. Its done when no one is around therefore its not witnessed by anyone in authority and they get away with it. Teaching the victim to not fight back only empowers the bully. There is no consequence so the oppressor feels they have gotten away with it some more. They know if the victim does go to the teacher, something may or may not be done, and they now have an 'excuse' to harass them more for telling. Its a vicious cycle.
I do not advocate nor encourage violence as a solution to problems, but the victims need to be able to fight back appropriately & successfully. We are talking about fighting back by finding power-not by using force. Teach your children & students the difference and give them effective strategies to find & use their own power to set limits and boundaries.
Teachers and administrators need to be especially vigilant if there is a special needs child or other child that is a target for bullying. Let students know on the first day of school that harassment is not tolerated. Look carefully for signs of stress and fear in your students. In my daughter's school they do a "Citizenship Check" once a week. The children are encouraged to write down (anonymously) incidents or persons of concern who are acting destructively towards themselves or others, as well as those who are helping and kind to others. In this way staff and parents are made aware of any potential problems and can intervene if necessary & encourage the proper behavior.
We need to remember children who are given excuses & allowed to get away with bad behavior (bullies) become adult bullies and have a hard time fitting in their whole lives; and children that are victims and are not taught how to effectively set boundaries have a hard time fitting in and remain victims their whole life. Both sides need help & support as far as I see it, but it has to start and end in the home and it has to start at a young age. Once they are teens it is much harder to get them back to that point of self-control.
We cannot empower bullying behavior by denying there is a problem and making excuses nor by perpetuating the 'victim mentality' to the victims & expect bullying behavior to stop. So maybe its time to look at ourselves as parents first. Ask ourselves: 'Is it possible that my child is a bully? If yes, Why is my kid bullying/ taking advantage of someone weaker? Where did they learn/why do they feel the need to do this?' Talk with your child and listen to them, but don't ever make excuses for them!
Parents, we need to make the schools aware that we want to be a partner in solving the problem & want it to be addressed swiftly on an administrative level. Then take steps to empower our own children so they are not viewed as easy targets. Help them take back their power by letting them think and handle some less traumatic situations themselves, with guidance and encouragement of course. In an effort to help & protect them, we do way too much for our kids, especially our kids with special needs. Most kids can do at least some things-and some can do many things for themselves, more than we realize. Start with daily routines & living activities. Get them active in sports, karate or outdoor hikes. The feeling of climbing over rocks, doing forms or kicking a soccer goal can instill a sense of self mastery & control over their environment and build a support network of peers that can be called upon for other situations such as bullying.
Put your own fears aside, and your need for neatness/cleanliness & let them wash dishes or make lunch for themselves. When we prevent them from participating & do too much for them and let them slack it takes away their power and makes them think and act like victims-(or bullies). Give them responsibilities, expect them to be taken seriously and let them feel self-reliant. Build on those skills & let them take pride in and feel good about doing things for themselves. If this is done consistently & correctly, and with firmness & love, it eliminates the need for the bully to take the power of one perceived as weaker and raises the esteem level of the victim to the point where they will be better equipped to handle it if faced with a bullying situation.
These simple but empowering actions will not eliminate the bullying problem completely, but it will begin to teach children about using not physical force, but true inner power. Giving children responsibility and allowing them to complete tasks themselves shows them you trust them and this will help them trust themselves more. Trusting inoneself is the beginning of true power. This will help move them towards more positive social interactions and build the self confidence they need to stop being a bully or a victim and to finally take back and keep their own power.
*What are some interventions and solutions that you have used as a teacher, parent or administrator to minimize or stop bullying? Please leave your ideas, suggestions & comments below.
Read more to understand bullying at the links below:
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
Edutopia: What Works In Education
Tigerman-Non Violent Superhero (Interactive Bullying Prevention Program)
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