My daughter surprised and impressed me yesterday when she came to me with a declaration: "Mom, there should be a club at school for the girls in my class-a place where we don't fight and aren't in competition. I'm so tired of the fighting."
I've been struggling this year with how to guide my daughter through the complicated world of relationship building among her 6th grade girlfriends. One minute they are "BFFs" and the next they are not talking to one another, and the next they are speaking viciously about each other to anyone who will listen, only to tun around and be friends again because someone else was talking viciously about them... I'm on the fence about how much I should intervene and how much I should just listen, & let her navigate and learn on her own. I usually listen, offer some strategies and remind her of the choice she has between being part of the problem or part of the solution.
I asked her why she felt everyone was fighting and she said she thought it was because sitting at a desk all day not being allowed to talk with each other 'normally' gets on every one's nerves. And the arguing continues via text and computer (unless an adult steps in to limit screen time.) She said there is no other time to "just be ourselves with each other."
I helped her explore her ideas further, getting out my pen to take some notes. I asked her how this club would look to her, what its purpose would be, when & where it would be held, the activities or principles that would be taught and other details that I wrote down for her in her own words.She wants "Everybody" to be included, especially those girls that are not well liked so they can be known and build confidence as they build friendships. (My daughter's own words.)
I offer help so she can better understand that friendships develop in stages and we need to be patient in every stage.
Our young ladies need to be taught that friendships do not happen overnight, nor do they happen automatically. They take time to grow. This is a theme I re-enforce in my yoga programs as well as when interacting with my daughter and her friends. I have often reviewed and explained the 3 stages to a lasting friendship:
1-Exploration: this is where 2 parties look for common interests & skills, possible after joining a team or a class. This stage is the most anxiety causing because children hate to experience rejection and may have that fear in the back of their minds. Telling a child "Its a wonderful chance to make new friends" only heightens the anxiety.
2-Trust: once the initial stage is over, trust begins to build. This stage is the most fragile & must be gradual. Some children tend to push too quickly and need to learn to observe signals from their new friends. Both parties must show genuine interest in the other in order to move beyond this stage. Possessiveness, insecurity, envy, misunderstandings and social errors can quickly end a blossoming friendship. Encourage children to be good listeners, be positive & supportive and make new friends feel valued.
3-Compatibility: this stage is marked by mutual acceptance & beneficial pairing of peers. This is the time where the friendship matures & solidifies and strengthens the bond that will create a a long-lasting friendship that can survive disagreements and misunderstandings.
As parents and educators, the key is provide activities that encourage meaningful interaction and limit those "parallel play" activities (such as watching TV or playing computer games) that are fun but don't do anything to build a relationship.
Board games, sports and other interactive movement such as hopscotch, flashlight tag, etc. are better alternatives to TV and incorporate many activities that build social skills naturally and help re-enforce the friendship.
Volunteer activities such as reading to pre-schoolers or creating a mural or a children's vegetable garden help children understand the concepts of working together to build something meaningful, that can then be shared with others. It helps them to become a positive example to others, who hopefully will follow their lead. The lessons that can be learned here and the natural character building possibilities are endless.
I asked my daughter who at school might be able to help her bring her girls club 'vision' into reality. She named one & I helped her format a "proposal" to give to that person today. I'm hoping that this person will be able to make it happen for these girls who, through their sometimes frustrating & perplexing behavior, are asking for our help. I hope that its the beginning of a new way to interact & a supportive network of friendships for them all-ones that will last a lifetime.
Contact: barbara@bodylogique.com
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