Yesterday was my daughter's last day of 6th grade. Instead of being a happy day of looking forward to summer activities with friends, it was mostly stressful and upsetting.
This week, two girls she considered friends, spread a rumor designed to be damaging to her other friendships. Subsequently, they convinced several other classmates to perpetuate the rumor and to join in on taunting my daughter.
It escalated to the point that both boys and girls in higher grades, who she didn't even know, were coming up to her asking if the rumor was true. At first she explained that it was a lie, and as more questioned her, she ended up telling them [sarcastically] "Why yes. Its 100% true...and why does it matter to you? Because you don't have a life? or a mind of your own?"
Then the girls did the same thing to another girl who came to my daughter's defense.
She was concerned for and confused by the unprovoked attack and attempted to set things right by talking with the girls (neither responded to her messages) and even appealed (respectfully) to each girl's mother for some help. Neither girl took any responsibility and neither apologized. While one mother was very concerned and apologetic the other was dismissive. Each girl blamed other classmates who were not even in school the day this began.
This is not the first incident this year, but it is the worst. To say my daughter is hurt, embarrassed and devastated is an understatement. To say that I am disappointed in these two girls doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.
I feel her pain as my own as I am again, a shy, awkward 6th grader being taunted and humiliated by my own classmates. I am at the same time reminded of the shame and guilt I felt the following year after I joined in taunting a classmate who, as I now understand, had several learning and emotional problems. I am now wondering how do I remain objective and non-judgemental as a mother and help my daughter approach this whole incident in the best way possible?
My daughter is more outgoing, mature and socially aware than I was at that age and I am trying to give her the right kind of support, and keep perspective, but how do I put perspective on the pain of non-acceptance, betrayal, dishonesty? How do I even begin to teach her to tolerate the intolerant? Or should I?
There is a clear difference between tolerating one who is different and allowing others to mistreat us. They are not the same thing. It is never ok for anyone to mistreat us, in words or actions. We need to carefully model this and be aware of our own unhealthy relationships, fears, attitudes & behaviors that will ultimately influence our kid's behaviors even if we don't intend for them to.
I strive to follow the Golden Rule and embrace the guiding principles of my own yoga practice - the 'Yamas' (part of the code of conduct) and work them in to all of my classes. I firmly believe - and I teach - that Ahimsa - non-violence in action and in words - is one of the principles that we need a lot more practice with.
*Ahimsa is a term that means we are to do no harm. Literally, it means the 'avoidance of violence' and applies to words thoughts and actions. It encompasses kindness, compassion and avoiding violence towards all living things (including animals). It indicates that all of life is connected and respects all beings as a part of a huge unity.
I offer advice to so many kids who are taunted and abused at school. (Yes, I said abused. I am hesitant to use the term 'bullying', as I feel it is a weak, overused, misinterpreted and outdated word. This behavior goes beyond that. It is abusive & manipulative. If adults did this to each other in the workplace, it would be called verbal assault, harassment, abuse, hostile environment, slander, etc. yet when our kids do it the best we can come up with is 'bullying'? I feel it deserves a better description so let's call it what it really is. )
In spite of good intentions, I see how sometimes my advice really is ineffective to kids in terms of solving the much bigger problem that is the root cause of this type of behavior. In spite of being armed with a litany of peaceful, philosophical adages such as, "well a real friend wouldn't treat you like that..." and "they must feel really badly about themselves to do that to someone else...", when we get right down to it, those words do nothing to take away that pain, stop the behavior and it does not give any instruction as to how to defend oneself from such an attack and how to proceed afterwards. Kids don't want to hear principles and philosophies. They want to know- to feel - that they are loved & supported by someone they can trust. They want to belong with a group of loyal friends that accepts them for who they are.They want answers- to know how to stop the behavior and if they can't do that, they want to know how to stop the pain.
In this moment I had no clear answers for my daughter, but I listened as objectively as I could. I watched her closely so she could have room to come up with her own answers. As a result of this event, my daughter decided to end the friendships and seek out other girls that aligned with her own definition of 'friend'. She is now looking at her other classmates in a new light, including those that are not quite as 'flashy' and not perceived as 'cool'. I gently planted that seed and she is nurturing it. As painful as this was, she is learning more about herself and the kind of person she wants to be. She is understanding how important it is to strive for her own goals and to help others do the same along the way. She is learning that sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do for others-and yourself-is to cut ties and set free those who don't support our own progress.
After some asking around, she found out that the rumor had been started for the purpose of discouraging the attention of a boy she liked. (The girls didn't want the boy to like my daughter back). So they told everyone she was a 'lesbian', as if that would make her 'off limits' to the boy and somehow make her less. They used this 'label' as a weapon, in an attempt to alienate, and to isolate her; to make her an outcast among other intolerant peers, and with the intent of making her appear to be a 'bad person'.
I am disturbed at the malicious intent of the whole lie. My daughter is shocked that these girls are purposefully hurtful, apparently biased, massively insecure, uninformed, ignorant & intolerant. (All her own words except 'uninformed'. She used the word 'stupid'.) She is mostly upset that she didn't see these character flaws sooner.
Since she was 7, my daughter has worked with me in my programs, with many children: those with special needs, those from different cultures & those with non-traditional families. I wanted her to be exposed to as many people as possible so that she could learn something from each of them. She is one of the most compassionate, forgiving and accepting girls of her age that I have ever known. She has a mouth and is not afraid to use it when she sees and injustice and she is just as quick to give someone encouragement when they need it the most. Her tolerance is one of her many strengths. However, many her age see this as her weakness and take full advantage of it in a bad way. She is learning through these painful experiences not only how to stand her ground, but also how to set and enforce boundaries and I am so proud of the way she is navigating through these complex relationships
You may be familiar with the poem by Dorothey Law Nolte (Children Learn What They Live):
"... If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient..."
I find this to be so true. Our kids don't just make these things up and get these attitudes and behaviors incidentally. They are influenced by adults in their lives, TV, unsupervised social network behaviors and in the one-on-one interactions of others. They learn to be fearful, insecure, intolerant. They learn to attack each other - verbally or otherwise when they feel that they are not enough. If we don't do a better job in guiding & supporting them in working on themselves, taking responsibility for their actions & in being more tolerant of everyone around them, then we are doing them and ultimately our entire society a huge disservice.
They need to understand that we all have to live here together regardless of where we are in our personal evolutions and whether or not we like it. This life will not adjust to us and it is not an exclusive club just for one type of 'kind'. There are all kinds of people in this world and we can learn so much from each other. Some will be friends and some will rub us the wrong way. Some we will choose to not interact with at all. Tolerance does not make one weak, in fact, it can open more doors for all of us than we ever imagined.
We rely and depend on each other to some degree. All of us are connected and what you do to another, you do to yourself. Some call it Karma and I call it cause and effect.
While we will not always, (nor do we have to), agree with, or accept what others do (and how they live), we have to remember that ahimsa & tolerance are life skills that transcend gender, age, special needs, culture, sexual preferences and lifestyles. They are principles that we all would do well to work on in ourselves and instill in all of the kids who we love and support.
Our girls are sending us an urgent message and we all need to listen and respond.
How will you respond?
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*(Ahimsa recognizes self-defense when necessary, as a sign of a strong spirit. We all have a right to be safe and can and should defend ourselves when our personal well-being is threatened.)
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